If you have just been given the tragic news. Someone in your family or immediate acquaintances has passed on. You’re left with questions on what to do. My hope is to answer some of those questions and make the next few weeks easier for you.
Should I send flowers or a sympathy gift?
The truth is you could send both if you wanted too or either one. The reason behind sending anything is to show you have been notified, you care, and you want them to know you are there. Sending a bouquet of flowers or a gift basket of food accomplishes all of those things.
If I can not attend the funeral should I send flowers, or a sympathy card?
If you are not able to attend the funeral and finances allow it, send a spray of flowers for the service. It will help the grieving family to know so many cared and it will help you to know you had a part. Sending a card is another way to let the person know you are thinking of them and that you are sorry you won’t be able to attend the funeral. It is best not to try and give excuses as to why you can not attend, to simply say “I’m sorry we will not be able to attend the funeral” Keep your sympathies short and sincere. It would be great if you could add flowers, or a small gift basket with your note, but it is not necessary. Your personal note will mean just as much or more right now.
The family has asked for charitable donations in lieu of gifts. Can I send flowers or a sympathy gift basket anyway?
Yes you can. The family is trying to let people know that we don’t want you to spend money on flowers that will only be enjoyed for awhile and that instead we would like your money to do more good for others in our loved ones name. It does not mean they would turn them away or think less of you, it just means they are trying to be practical and change a difficult time into some good. If you want to send a gift or flowers by all means do it. It will cheer them to know they are thought of and it will be welcomed. If you do make a charitable donation a note saying what charity you donated to is more than acceptable. You do not need to note the amount you sent.
I’m attending the funeral, what do I say? There is a lot of room in this question. It really depends on how well you know the family. If you knew the deceased from work, school, or church, you may want to introduce yourself “I’m Joe from Networks R Us, I wanted you to know how sorry we are for your loss. We will miss Mark and his sense of humor very much.” This is simple, introduces you and how you knew their loved one and also gives them a happy reminder of their family member. If you know the family well, you can personalize the sentiment even more, and ask them how they are doing. Stay away from asking them how the person passed, or trying to comfort them by saying they are in a better place now. It’s hard when you feel like you have so little you can say, but keeping it sincere and simple are always the best sentiments.
I would like to give the family something they need. How do I go about asking? Instead of asking the grieved person, find a family member or close friend you can pull aside and ask. They will tell you honestly whereas the grieving person may just tell you nothing is needed. Your other option is just to step up and start doing.
At times people offer meals, watch kids, clean the house, help pay bills, handle phone calls, and emails. Those are all wonderful ways to express your sympathy. Bringing by teas, coffees and other snacks that they in turn can provide to visitors is a great way to give them something they can use. When a death occurs, they were not always well stocked and prepared for it. Giving them easy things to eat, and share is a gift that will be well appreciated.
It has been a year since my friends husband has died, should I let her know I’m thinking of her or would that bring up too many wounds?
Yes you should call or come over, it is going to be a difficult day whether anyone calls them or not. Having a friend who remembers will go a long way in easing the pain of the day. It doesn’t take much to show you have remembered their loved one, and yet it can mean the world to the person who has lived the loss daily for a year. It shows them that their loved one has lived on in the hearts of friends and family and that the memory has not faded or gone. Time does heal, time does lessen the pain, however that first anniversary is hard. By just remembering them with a simple gesture you can ease their pain tenfold.
