Coping With The Loss Of A Child
Parental Grief : A Multi-Faceted Process.
It is every parent’s worst nightmare. It often times comes in the form of a late night phone call or an unexpected knock on the door by someone in uniform. This is the moment that every parent dreads, fears and never wants to think about. The death of a child. For many parents this nightmare will become a reality this year. Every year the lives of many adult and dependant children are claimed unexpectedly by a myriad of sources. Some are killed by accidents, some due to illicit drug use, others by illness and by far the worst-some are murdered. For many parents the horror of such a situation gives birth to much intense and overpowering emotion. A parent is never prepared to lose a child, no matter what the circumstances.
If you are a parent who has been affected by such a tragedy or you know someone who has, you would do well to educate yourself about the various stages of grief. Educating oneself in this fashion - albeit a difficult process- will help one to be prepared to handle, or at least recognize some of the things they might be feeling on the heels of such tragedy.
Parental grief is a multi-faceted process. Step one includes the initial shock and denial of the event. For many, the news that their child has died will be extremely overwhelming. A parent may feel ill, weak, hysterical and in severe cases can even lose consciousness or enter into a catatonic state. Some will deny the reality of the situation and remain in denial for as long as a few weeks before coming to terms with the loss. Although a bit hard to believe, this phase serves as a protection of the mind and body for the sufferer. Denial allows the mind and body time to absorb the reality slowly and over time thus avoiding a complete meltdown. If you are a witness to such a scenario it is best not to try and force the individual into accepting what has happened. He or she will eventually do this on their own once their mind and body is recovered enough to confront this truth.
Anger and deal making are the next two steps of a grieving parent. In this phase a parent may become extremely hostile looking for somewhere, anywhere to place the blame for the loss of their child. They may be angry at those present when their child died. They could find themselves angry with those who created the circumstances for them not to be around when the death occurred such as a boss for making them work late, or even their spouse for having them handle household duties. A parent almost always finds themselves angry with God for the death of their child. They may rail against their belief system and ask why this has happened. This often leads to the Deal Making Phase. In this phase a parent can become desperate and begin petitioning God or their specific belief system. They may say things such as “I swear I will never drink, yell, miss church etc. again if you just bring back my child”. Both the anger and deal making phase can culminate in hurt feelings and damaged relationships. The parent may feel hurt because their petition was not granted or they may seek out others to blame thus damaging their own support system.
Next, a parent usually enters into the Depressed and Reflective stage. Once they realize the true magnitude of such a loss a parent can find themselves withdrawing from life and day-to-day activities. They prefer to be alone often times just to sit and think about their child. This reflective stage can sometimes lead to guilty feelings for not doing enough for their child or not spending adequate time together. As the isolation grows, so does the depression and the painful memories. This can be an extremely difficult period for friends and family to witness as it can drag on for months at a time. They would want to be extremely cautious about giving the grieving parent a time line for feeling better. This is an individual process and even both parents will spend differing amounts of time in this phase. With that being said, marital partners need exercise extra caution when dealing with each other by allowing their partner to pace himself according to his or her own feelings and time table.
Somewhere along the line and with the passage of time a shift begins to take place. A parent will begin to take notice of life continuing on around himself and may even begin to experience renewed interest in things. This phase will usually start out small and become an exponential experience. Slowly, they start to feel better. The physical symptoms such as lack of sleep or appetite begin to lessen in severity. The parent is starting to experience the beginnings of acceptance and hope. Coping skills begin to develop and strengthen as life begins to become somewhat bearable. It has been said that “time heals all wounds” and there is definitely some truth to this cliché. Although a parent will never return to the “normal” life they had before the loss of a child, they will find that a “new normal” has begun to emerge and take hold on what remains of their reality. This is good news for all parents who experience the devastating loss of a beloved child. They can find hope in the comfort of knowing that yes! They will laugh, they will love, and most importantly they will “live” again.
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