Not What You Say…But What You Do!
How To Help Someone Deal With The Feelings Of Grief.
So many times when we are faced with another person’s grief whether it be a co-worker, neighbor, or just a casual acquaintance we can find ourselves stumped and scrambling for just the right words to say. We have all been there. We fumble with our pockets, avert our eyes, and nervously search for the appropriate thing to say. This moment can be so awkward at times that we can find ourselves actually avoiding the person altogether rather than feel weird about not knowing what to say.
Fortunately, with a little care and forethought we can express our deepest sympathies while simultaneously showing the person how deeply we care about the pain they are experiencing. When analyzing the situation it helpful to remember that it is not what we say that brings a person comfort but what we do during such a difficult time that can ease a person’s grief. If we just stop and think before we speak we will realize that a person immersed in his or her own grief is almost never going to “feel better” simply over words said to them. They are trying their best to work through their grief and bombarding them with such cliché’s as “It is for the best” and “At least he is no longer suffering” can often times enrage a person internally causing them to actually feel worse! At such times simply being there is better comfort than any words you could try to express to the person.
If you cannot be physically be there then sending your condolences in written form such as a card or by sending a sympathy gift basket is a good way express you support. By doing so you will be able to maintain communication with the person when he or she may not be ready to speak. Showing your love and support does not always have to come from something said. Your support can often times be more effectively be expressed by what you do. When you think about it there are many things you CAN do to show your love and concern. For example, if the grieving one is a close friend or family member why not carve out some time to bring a meal or grocery items to the persons home? It is likely that they will be having increased amounts of company and visits during this time and will not want to be concerned with providing meals for their guests. Such a loving gesture would be gratefully received and thoroughly appreciated.
What if the person is simply a casual acquaintance or a fellow co-worker? You can always offer to run errands, take items to the post office, grocery shop or even drop off their children at scheduled activities. If the grieving person is a close friend or family member just “sitting and listening” to them can bring a large measure of comfort. You will not have to search for words to say as they know how much you care from your just being there.
It is wise to remember that grief is a multi faceted process and the emotions that a person experiences may be extreme. They may still be in shock and disbelief, feel angry at God, or feel suicidal. Be careful not to invalidate them for having such feelings for they are what they are. When a grieving person becomes unreasonable it is best to stay quiet and simply be there by sitting and listening, holding their hand,-and if you should feel that you need to- crying with them. It has been said that “time heals all wounds” and there is some definite truth to it. Giving the person time and not having your own pre-conceived notions about when a person should begin to feel better goes a long way in showing your support. It may take many months or even years for a person to accept a loss and you should be mindful of this when speaking casually to the person.
By taking the time to learn about the grief process and by finding ways to show your support- be it a friend, co-worker or loved one- by what you DO instead of what you Say, you will be lovingly helping the person onto the path of recovery and patiently holding their hand along the way.
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